my grandma passed away this morning. she was walking along the road at night and a car hit her. she really loved my brother and me. i remember seeing her in august. she cried when i had to leave and I promised i’d visit her again with my brother some time in january. both my grandparents are dead and i wonder what’s going to happen to their house. it was a small, log cabin sort of house in the middle of nowhere. i have many fond memories there as a child so it hurts to think about the house getting repossessed or destroyed or whatever.

when my grandpa passed away, my dad flew to korea for his funeral. now he’s flying to korea again for another funeral. it’s kinda fucked up how the only instances he’s seen his parents are at their funeral because he was busy working but no one can blame anyone. i’m sure my dad, out of all people, is huritng the most.

i’m gonna miss her. i have a lot of photos to look back on at least. it’s just bizarre how one moment they’re there, and you make plans to see them, and everything is okay, and the next i’m getting a text message telling me she’s gone.

it makes me think about what i’m going to do when my own parents eventually pass away, and friends, and other family. it’s too sad to think about. it makes me think in the long run nothing and everything matters.

i’m really glad i got to see her in august. if i hadn’t, i’d have a lot more regrets. i feel bad for my brother because he didn’t get to see her like i did. we were going to go together in january though.

ahh.

happy holidays

Half a year update (6-7 months)

Thought I’d give a…half a year update? It’s been around 6-7 months since my surgery.

SOOO I did get braces, will probably have to have them on for a year. Eating is a pain again because food gets stuck everywhere. My jaw itself feels fine. I can do everything I did before the surgery in terms of voice and stuff.

Most of the feeling in my face is back. Obviously the chin and my right cheek will never fully recover (or will it?), but I’d say it’s around 80-90%? or so right now, which is good enough for me.

I have to practice smiling in front of the mirror because sometimes it just feels…odd. Awkward. Like I’m not used to it. Here’s a picture someone took of me and Hai, that shows my full face:

You can tell it’s still difficult for me to smile in pictures but the face shape itself is ok ehehe my nose went back to normal at least and my lips got less thin LOL

My actual braces. You can barely see them!

I guess I’ll update again after a year’s passed? LOL

 

updates on life~

not sure anyone still follows this but I figure I might update on where I am right now…

So! The quest to voice acting still continues. I’m just now consulting with places for a commercial demo reel, so that’s exciting! Very expensive, but still exciting. I took a lot more classes since the last post and I’m learning a lot. I guess right now it’s endless classes + getting my first demo reel done professionally. It’s nice to take a step forward.

I need to go back to Korea in August for braces check up. I haven’t had any complications with the surgery since then. I just need to get rid of the screws and stitches in my mouth.

I’ve been sick since AX so it’s been two weeks already. I need to go see an allergist again because I have a feeling it might have something to do with allergies (plus I’m apparently at the risk of asthma if I don’t go). I also need to go to some walk in clinic because I don’t think coughing for two weeks straight is very healthy. I was also frustrated because I took a really pricey voiceover class, nonrefundable, WHILE I had phlegm stuck in my throat.

Ahhh, and money. I’m seriously considering patreon to fund everything at this point. It wasn’t a huge deal because I did a good job saving up for all these classes/life stuff so far but IRS just took a huge chunk out of my bank account. It was completely unexpected and I’m still trying to find out why. I don’t think they counted some of my expenses? I don’t know. Hopefully that gets sorted out because financial stress is the worst kind of stress.

I’m also moving out within a month. Luckily found a place with cheap rent so… AHHH crossing fingers, hoping everything will work out.

That’s it for me, thanks for reading if you did~

 

a small rant

i feel so stressed and tired lately. part of it has to do with my living situation – i really, really hate my room atm. it’s where i have to work and record, but it’s way too cramped and tiny but i’m in no position to move out right now. another part of it is i really want to record overwatch while everyone’s playing and having fun but my computer is too poopy.
 
some people kindly donated to upgrade it but now i find out i have to pay for my bottom braces + another allergist visit, i’m probably going to end up using most of the funds for that. financially i just feel frustrated because i keep offering to pay for friends’ food and stuff which is 100% my bad so there’s no point complaining about this.
 
lastly the whole voiceover thing – i’m taking classes to help me but each one costs hundreds of dollars and adds to my financial burden, i’m not even sure they’ll pay off in the end but i don’t know how else to help the process in becoming a professional. some days i feel like i’m SO close but other days i feel like i’m getting nowhere.
 
bleh. anyway those are my days. just feel so unsatisfied lately and i need to shake off this mentality. youtube is fine and all but it hurts every day knowing the one thing i want to do, voice act, is still out of reach. i vainly hope that things will all work out in the end.

zzz

I legit feel like I’m never going to become a professional VA. I want it more than anything I’ve ..ever really wanted in my life. I’m trying to get rid of my low self confidence and really push for my dream but I just feel like I take two steps forward and three steps back.

It’s a bit discouraging when the best advice you’re given is to “network.” Networking is a coin toss. You can be as talented as you want but without the right people, you may never get there.

I won’t give up, obviously, but sometimes it’s just difficult. I don’t enjoy youtubing/streaming as much. I really want to voice act. I really, really do.

2 months

I figured I should post a 2 month post op update, because things HAVE improved, and things are going to keep improving imo, albeit in very small doses.

After I got my braces, I’ve had to wear a splint whenever I’m not eating/brushing my teeth, or in my case, recording and stuff. It’s not that bad, since I can freely take it on and off. It’s a very minor discomfort that’s hardly worth mentioning.

Amazingly, the swelling is still going down. The changes are so minimal, you’d have to see me every day to really notice that in the first place. I pretty much look normal now, way more than I did in Korea. I can open my mouth more, enough to comfortably brush my teeth and record most things. My face is smaller, and most importantly, my teeth and jaw are all aligned.

As for eating, I’ve made huge improvements (and…huge weight gains orz) in that aspect too. I can chew most things, even peanuts!! The only things I can’t chew very well are extremely tough/hard things, like…say, beef jerky (actually I haven’t tried that yet but I’m assuming I can’t). And I can’t open my mouth 100% yet so obviously taking a bite out of a big hamburger is impossible. Other than that, I can eat whatever I want.

And the numbness. The left side of my face feels 90% back to normal. My right cheek is still a bit numb, I’d say about 60% back to normal. Chin is roughly 30-40%? But the fact feeling is slowly coming back is a good sign. My gums are still pretty numb though lol. x) makes eating rice hard because some of it gets stuck in my mouth and I have to rinse it out because I can’t feel it.

They say what you have after 3 months is roughly how you’ll look, and honestly, I’m already happy with what I have now. I’m curious to see how much more will change 3 months, 6 months, a year down the line. As far as recovery goes, I think mine is going at a very nice pace. ^__^ I’ll update again in a month or so.

honesty

Hello everyone! This isn’t really a jaw surgery update, more like me talking about whatever is on my mind and rambling because I’m confusedchu.

Dealing with people is still really difficult. Everyone’s so different and I try to be respectful and fair in conversations. If you read my chat logs, I’ve nothing to hide. I stay out of problems that aren’t mine and if I mess up, I  genuinely apologize. That said, there’s this persistent behavior that’s been following me around that I really, really don’t know how to handle. It’s happened more than once to the point where I’m beginning to wonder if it’s just that common?

It’s the whole “honesty” policy. Anything you say is excused because you’re just being honest. It’s as if honesty is a good enough reason to be as .. well, bitchy as you want. Unfortunately I don’t think things are that black and white. It’s great to be honest with your feelings and thoughts but if you’re incapable of expressing them in a respectful manner, I’m going to feel uncomfortable and I’m not going to want to communicate/work with you further.

It’d be awesome if this happened once, but it happened multiple times the past few months!! Honesty is not a reason to be rude, especially if the recipient has been nothing but polite. I just feel tired and slightly upset because I feel manipulated in my personal relationships.. I specifically choose to stay out of confrontations/drama when it comes to friends, even if I’ve been wronged, even if I can point out all the things people have done to take advantage of the situation, because I heavily dislike conflict.

But, I don’t know, maybe I should begin saying things without a filter. And if they take it the wrong way, pin it on “honesty.” That’s what everyone else seems to be doing these days.